so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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