I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
