U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
