I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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