just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
