I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
