My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
