I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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