your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
