I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
