Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Someone shit on the floor
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize