my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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