somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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