so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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