dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
