why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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