Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
