i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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