We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
