just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I have fence marks all over my body
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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