He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Can Purell be used as lube?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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