that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
