I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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