is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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