last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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