I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
