Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
