Swine flu. Run for my life!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
