I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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