Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
