so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
