This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
