listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
