New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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