it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
