they need to just BURY HIM!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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