I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
