I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
