There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
