ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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