They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
