new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
