So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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