He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
