when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
