I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize