is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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