Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
