I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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