Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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