My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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