Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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