Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
