Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
