I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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