he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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